So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I understand Curling. That high.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
