Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
