yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
