Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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