If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
