margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
