i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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