I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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