So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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