i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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