The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
