Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
