I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
