Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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