you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
