so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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