drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
