He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
