remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
