i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
