I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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