I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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