I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
