Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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