i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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