i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize