Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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