I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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