Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
