Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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