hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
