I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
