I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
