M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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