I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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