Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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