i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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