I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
