R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
