Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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