my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
