You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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