***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
