dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i will never coherently bang her
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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