I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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