when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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