so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
