Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
wow bdsm is so cute
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
