I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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