so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Randomize
