Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
