do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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