Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
