Just cropdusted the office
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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