Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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