I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
