sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize