My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
