After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
