You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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