NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
