i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
