just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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