I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
