i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
