My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
