I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize