I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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