so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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