Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize