I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
